Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
