so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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