I have demons in me.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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