so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
