Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
