A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
