Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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