He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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