Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
