I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
