I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
