A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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