My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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