Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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