i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
