Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
