I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Less talking, more tequila
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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