five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
