I'm so fucking centered right now
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
