Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize