I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
