i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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