Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
