I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
