So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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