wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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