He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
