All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
