The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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