I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
