my phone needs a breathalizer
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
