I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
