If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
