He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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