Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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