a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
