Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
