I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
