Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize