Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
