glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
