I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
