Is it because I queefed?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
