Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
