I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
