I'm pants shitting drunk right now
someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
