Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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