I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
