I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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