i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
