girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Everclear isn't food dammit
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize