32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
