She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
