He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
