Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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