You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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