How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he puts the penis in happiness.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
