OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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