im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
