dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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