Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
try to milk me bitch
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
