I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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