I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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